My Happiness Coach

The definition of Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health condition in which you can’t stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can’t be seen by others (according to the Mayo Clinic’s page).

I always thought that Body Dysmorphia was about seeing yourself wrong, but never really looked into the disorder. I am not diagnosed. I am not a doctor.

But I do have a story that thrives on the thoughts of a young woman in complete denial about who she is & what she looks like. A woman that had been torn down by society & her peers. Torn to the point that she only saw someone ugly, fat, & unwanted.

From a young age I was shown to see how I was different. I felt completely normal as an young girl. I was an outcast, though. I just didn’t know it yet!

I remember it getting bad around Middle School, as it does for many people. I was in the 5th grade when I really noticed that I was different because of my body. It was around that time that I had noticed that larger than my classmates & it bothered me.

I was showing signs of PCOS as soon as puberty started. Excess hair, excess fat, & my period was a unannounced guest whenever I would get it. I was most noticeable when I would go shopping for clothing. I went from wearing kids’ sizes to adults quickly. The styles left me wanting. I would wander around looking for something that would be “in” for a middle schooler. Most of the time I failed.

I acted out against my changing body. I started smoking & shoplifting. I didn’t feel happy in my body but running around with the “bad” kids. I would look at myself in the mirror and hated what I saw. My face was too round, my body was too big, & I would pick at myself both mentally and physically.

Picking at my face, my facial hair, my body hair, my nails & eventually I started to pierce my skin with safety pins. I was hurting and wanted to feel something, so I hurt myself physically. I would look in the mirror and cry to myself about not looking like the other girls – not feeling like the other girls.

I grew up, as most do. I was fat! Ew! I hated my body more & more everyday. I couldn’t borrow any of my friends’ clothes because I had the largest body shape. I couldn’t physically keep up with them either.

I chose to embrace my differentness. I welcomed the weird, the unwanted, & the unusual people into my life. The other misfits became my best friends. They were never cruel to my face, at least. I was beautiful, but couldn’t see it!

I started going to the gym & dieting in High School. I would also binge & hide food. My body was something I had grown to hate & knew that I needed to change. So, I started to focus on my looks. I was alone in College, all my friends had gone to other schools or didn’t go to college. I was depressed & retreated into the fantasy word of video games.

My weight would fluctuate as a young adult. I was fat! I was unattractive! I was wrong. I now look back at the photos of me at this time & think about how beautiful I was.

Even now, I cannot see my beauty. As I entered my 40s, I noticed that I couldn’t find my “angles” anymore & all my pictures look like an old, fat woman. I must be wrong, because I am told that I am beautiful. But, I can’t feel it.

This is where my story of body dysmorphia will end. I am rediscovering myself. Although, I am close to my highest weight (even after bariatric surgery), but I am learning to love myself & my body.

This is the important part. Body dysmorphia is a mental illness. Your brain becomes programmed not to see you as you are, but to see the flaws & “problem” areas. I am determined though. Determined to love myself – my whole self!